Childhood trauma: the gift that keeps giving

California by @ruusstty Moon photography, Night sky photos, Sky art

I know what a fearful-avoidant is. I know because I’m a magnet for them. If all that I am, all of my thoughts, abilities and limitations, were reduced to a single word, that word would be, “novelty”. And that is the most potent and attractive thing you can be to someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment system. For them, It’s more intoxicating than alcohol.

They say you can’t help who you’re attracted too but I think it’s more salient to say you can’t help who becomes attracted to you. And all that dating is is the struggle to find someone who likes you at least as much as you like them. So, imagine being such a compelling novelty to a fearful-avoidant that you might as well be invisible to all other attachment styles. Like the way your cellphone is designed to send and receive a very particular wavelength of radio light that is completely invisible to the human eye. Fearful-avoidance crave the dopamine hit they receive from novel experiences in a way the other attachment styles don’t. While we all need a break from routine, the type of early childhood trauma that gives rise to a fearful-avoidant attachment system quite literally thrives on novelty because it mimics the emotional extremes they were subjected to as children. So it’s no wonder they struggle to do that part in the middle between the two extremes of fearful and avoidant: a normal healthy relationship that is often remarkably uneventful and not exciting. The securely attached person would see this part as trust and a stable relationship. While to the fearful-avoidant, sometimes called the anxious-avoidant, they really don’t have an internal emotional lexicon for digesting the middle, uneventfully healthy parts of relationships. It feels foreign to them, it feels unsafe and can often feel downright repulsive. That is why when things have been to “smooth” for to long, they disrupt that healthy pattern with some sort of extreme behavior. Often it can start off with these tiny belittling comments; “Did you brush your teeth? Your breath smells.” “Didn’t you wear that same flat color t-shirt, (just like your five others) yesterday?” They can begin blowing tiny things out of proportion. That single dish left in the sink over night suddenly becomes a capital crime. This is because safe doesn’t feel safe to them.

I’m told that fearful-avoidance is often mistaken for Borderline Personality Disorder but unlike BPD, with a dedicated individual, and the right therapist, someone can work themselves out of this attachment style and towards being securely attached.

A long time ago someone said to me; “We tend to fall in love with different versions of the same person”. For years I can honestly say I believed that. But I think it’s significantly more nuanced than that now. I think some people simply fall in love with a different version of the same person because they are not growing. I think for most of us actively and deliberately trying to become more than we are, it may be more accurate to say people walking a similar path fall in love with us. That if there is any version control in our partners, it is due to the growth inside of us. Who loves us is a mirror for where we are.

That being said, I know that I don’t need to take on the emotional weight when one of my relationships comes to and end. I know it’s not my fault that many of the fearful-avoidant’s I’ve dated have ultimately cheated on me or taken other actions to sabotage the relationship. I know that every girlfriend who couldn’t sit in the even, calm, waters of a healthy relationship doesn’t automatically mean I did something wrong. But it certainly doesn’t take the sting of the terrible things they say and do when they’re pushing you away. I’m not sure which hurts more the belittling comments or the selfishly thoughtless behaviors.

”One day I’m just going to be done and you’ll never know when.” // “Everyday you’re unemployed I’m less attracted to you.” // “I’ll never marry you.”

I’ve noticed the different gender identities seem to internalize their struggles with their partners and their own attachment styles a little differently. What to some is the MGTOW movement, to others who have read about attachments styles is just a bunch of grown dismissive avoidant men. Men wholly incapable of being vulnerable and intellectually honest with themselves about their feelings who would simply tell a guy in this position to “put her in her place or kick her to the curb”. A large part of this is because of the way heterosexual men are socialized but I digress.

I’m always remarked after losing my partner or when I’m aware that shes beginning to monkey branch because she just can’t do healthy. The flashes of utter panic. The nausea that keeps me from eating. The moment to moment sensation of something being wrong. The random, sudden awakenings in the middle of the night, alone, in the dark as the weight of loss presses against my chest so hard I feel like the entire room is trying to squish me out of existence. That terrible struggle not to pick up the phone and face-time her, is called; “Primal Panic”. These terrible sensations are a set of hormones we evolved to keep our loved ones close. Before we invented the telephone and GPS, it was a safety mechanism built into our foundation to keep us close to our family. The overwhelming dread of loss, of losing our lives, of loosing our family or partner’s life, it’s what gives us cohesion. That terrible, constant, sensation of electricity and ice cold water in my soul was designed to make me rush back to her, and I know that. Still I’m always remarked when it happens.

I’m sure to the uninitiated this would seem like something I am in control of. After all, don’t we choose who we love? Yes, to a degree. But we don’t choose who loves us or what their past looks like.

I know its not my fault when she cheats, blaming me for not fulfilling an attachment wound inflicted on her when her parents left her at grandma’s house and never came back for her.

I know its not my fault when she cheats because she comes from an enmeshed, lower income family whose culture doesn’t believe in seeking help. The type that thinks when your ex, or your father hits you, its only because they love you so much.

I know its not my fault when she cheats because the relationship continuing would necessitate she confront her multiple childhood assaults and get into therapy, only for her to flee the relationship for something less functional and therefore, more comfortable.

I know its not my fault when she’s distant and preoccupied then suddenly needs to take a work trip across the united states disappearing for a few days: “Oh, sorry I missed your call. I fell asleep.”

This is what fearful-avoidant’s do when they’ve had to much health for too long. Like a rubber-band being stretched to its breaking point, its the psychological equivalent of a snap back to a neutral point.

Even though I’m conscious of all of this, I have a habit of diving deep into psychological literature longer than I should after these relationships. They say taking time to heal is important but even after years, I’m still preoccupied enough that it often gives the next relationship a rocky start. I’ve had multiple partners think that I was still pining away for the last girl when in reality, I am desperate to understand what it is that I do that attracts partners on a very similar path. I’ve had more than a few mentors try to boil it down to me not believing I’m worth more. That pop-psychology notion is immediately dispelled when my mental health support asks me to observe and write down my “repeating” thoughts. I am very conscious of the space I inhabit. I am very aware of the breadth and width of my capacities and limitations. This isn’t the result of low self esteem or unprocessed childhood trauma as much as it is the inconvenient truth of the forces at play wholly outside of our control. That’s typically when I’m told I’d probably love becoming a therapist.

No thanks, I think I’ll stay the struggling artist and science-fiction writer. I think it will read better on the tombstone someday.